Friday, 4 March 2011


They say that time flies when you’re having fun and I for one, quite happen to agree. This then begs me to question, why as a child did I have such fun, yet Christmas seemed to take forever to come? School holidays actually seemed to last for months? And waiting for my birthday felt like I’d turn 100 when it actually came around. I've come to the conclusion that, it must be with age that time starts ticking faster. Some moments I’ve had lately, have lasted forever, which is ironic, because these are the moments that I have really wanted to be a flash in the pan!

Embarrassing, ground swallowing (if only) moments, side splitting, jaw aching, think you’re going to die as you can’t breathe moments, like laughing when you shouldn’t, seem an exception to the rule of time moving too fast when having fun.

There I was in Clapham Picture House with Miss Money Penny watching the Kings Speech (which if you haven’t seen – go and see) and you know the moment in a cinema when the trailers stop and sweet packets even stop rustling and you can feel the attention and expectation of every person in the cinema all tuning in, eyes and ears at the ready? You know that moment? Me too.

This weekend I’m off to an 80's inspired weekend and Miss Money Penny - who if she could, would camp out in full costume in Clapham fancy dress shop. Miss Money Penny, who in my time has encapsulated the very essence of The Abominable Snowman, A severed head on a plate, Lollipop lady, Jimmy Krankie (my personal fav), but to name a few, told me her latest thoughts of fancy dress – there’s me taking the opportunity to dress up as an 80's permed “I should be so lucky” Kylie and Money Penny has decided to rock up as Jimmy Saville!

 The thought of her dressed in a shell suit, cigar, some medallions, knuckle dusters and probably leopard print jacket, chanting “Now then, Now then” hurled me into a fit of hysterics just at... “That Moment”... Needless to say, our timing was not appreciated. Our guffaws and bouncing in our seats lasted for what seemed hours – there was no flying involved here with time. I was having Fun – I mean I was really laughing – why did time just freeze? We were indeed, stuck in a moment and No Jim Could fix it for me to get out of it!

Unfortunately, we do not have the power to make time slow down or indeed speed up. If I did, the bikini wax that I had the other week, would have not have lasted for what seemed the whole night. That was another moment that caught me.
I’ll let you into a secret now. You may think that I’ve not lived when I tell you that (don’t judge me either) ... this was my first Bikini wax EVER. I know – a travesty as the lady in the shop kindly pointed out. She had an edge to her, from just looking at her; you would know not to mess with her – a big mamma. “BMW” (big mamma waxer) saw me coming and seemed to almost fall on the floor when I told her it was my first time. She looked at me with one raised pencil thin (probably waxed) eyebrow and said “how old are you honey?” to which I nearly whimpered “ten” but my actual age, ashamedly came out. I actually thought that she was going to have a heart failure. Hang your horses; I was in the room, wasn’t I! I was seeing the error of my ways, wasn’t I? Believe me – she made me see the error of them....
Confronted with the question of Brazilian, Hollywood, French, Regular, or full Bikini I asked if she could break them down for me, BMW seemed to lose the will to live at that point. I hadn’t realised that waxing came with so many options and BMW laughed and said at least I was a girl or I could be looking at a sack, back and crack! Losing all patience BMW then said “Just get on the bed and I’ll get the wax”. I was handed a grotty, cigarette smelling towel and left in the 100 degrees heated room, well, booth, it was so tiny you couldn’t even swing a cat.

Had I have not been going on holidays the next day (Yes) with a man, and (Wow) for Valentine’s day and in a hotel with a Jacuzzi and therefore a Bikini was a must, I think I may have said (as my school friend once hollered when she fell out of a tree in my garden and didn’t want to cry in front of me and my unsympathetic sister - cant think why?!) that I think I could hear my mum calling me and ran home!
When I had entered the Spa (without the “R” – though you could’ve fooled me) on Balham high Rd and they had fitted me in there and then, alarm bells did ring as to why I was the only one there?! What put me off even more, was that as I sat on the bed and removed my jeans, I looked down and saw a used wax sheet with what looked like the incredible Hulk still attached to it. I tuned in to my surroundings. I might not have had a wax before, but I am quite accustomed to a spa and being pampered. Where was the sound of Water cascading down a mountain, panpipes and such? A soothing sound to lull me into a false sense of security here would be nice. What did I get? – Only the East Enders theme tune and Rickyyyyyyy! Just about to chicken out leap off that bed (trolley) and in walked my BMW.

In the end, I opted for the Bog Standard wax. No Pain no game – Grin & bear – No more Hair! BMW said that she wasn’t meant to say this, but, as it was my first time (in 30 years) it would really hurt. Marvellous. On came the wax and…...... Girls you know the rest.

I am not one to be quiet at the best of times. My dad says that my mum has “a bell on every tooth” - (and now she’s going slightly deaf, just imagine!) Well, they do say every girl turns into her mum at some stage! As BMW let rip, so did I! I let out some screams – some whoops - some random sayings such as “No pain no game”, “Shit a brick” and “FxxK a Duck”! No-one was in the waiting room after all! Dot cotton working in that Laundrette had nothing on my BMW...

Now, I don’t know about you but, if I am saving myself for an exposure of legs, then I let the hair grow. Some of my girlfriends say, that it's a safe bet to know that, if a man wants to get fruity, the forest effect legs act as a self defence mechanism, they can’t possibly expose them and hence, saving them from any regrets or embarrassing morning moments. BMW didn’t miss a trick. She saw those legs of mine and before I knew it, she tutted, lay on a hot wax strip and ripped it off and half my leg along with it too I think!

I soon put a stop to it by screaming NO! BMW backed off and with a warming smile, (I knew that she was quite taken by me and my absurdity) she said that she would agree to saving it for next time! So, my session was complete. And you know, after all that, BMW said that not all the hair had come out, as it was my first time (YES, I know, in 30 years) – so I would look a little patchy – who cared at this point?

On leaving my Booth – the once empty waiting room had typically turned into Piccadilly Circus! I just put my head down and walked to the receptionist to hand over my £12.00. (I of course rounded it up to £15.00) not just because I didn’t want to wait for change with all eyes on me – what had they heard me say I wondered as the receptionist sniggered “FxxK a Duck”! However, BMW and I had bonded – she had worked for that money! She deserved that tip! I walked home, not like the usual tottering Jenni Crane, but a rather hobbling John Wayne. That was one half an hour that had not been fun and therefore the time had dragged by!

So, back to time flying when you’re having fun and 3 months into the year already! I’ve been working hard and playing hard. My Ski trip with the “new, prospective” man (sadly, no Pussy Galore, Money Penny or Efan in sight) turned out to be just wonderful and well worth the pain I undertook for the wax - don't worry here though, I know we like the Single Jenni very much – I am not going to jump into anything too soon. I am, this time, (even though time is racing) taking my time. You see in the grand scheme of things, it matters not how fast time flies, how much fun, or how many bikini waxes we have done. What truly matters is that we take time for just ourselves, making sure that we make the most of our lives and make the right decisions. It really is Quality not quantity that counts in life and whilst we should chase the fun, we inevitably, need to meet a few BMW's along the way, if only to slow things down a little bit and to stop that hand on the clock ticking by all too fast!

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